we came home at 9am today. police sirens, wads of cash, our eyes were stained with ink and our bodies numb.
we shared a taxi with the girl in the blue dress, who took along a man with dreadlocks with her. his fingers were stained with the dirt of the earth he so often travelled, his breath smelled of beer and his sandals on the brink of exhaustion. but even so, he had mesmerizing grey eyes that made you feel understood. they kissed multiple times in the taxi, lost in each other. she was only 20, and he was probably nearly twice her age. she broke the kiss a few times to ask him, “am i pretty? can you tell me again?” she clutched him closer. “of course you are. you are the prettiest girl i’ve ever seen,” he slurs, hands moving lower down her torso. i averted my gaze and as annoyed as i was at the public display of affection, i pitied her because i saw a little of myself in her. so young, so insecure and so stupid. i wanted to tell her not to be so desperate for attention, but she giggles and closes her eyes, and i know i’ve lost her for good. at that moment, anyway.
i took 3 showers and cried in the bath for a really, really long time. everything about tonight was a misadventure. i had no vagabond to kiss, but i know i fucked up once the toilet bowl was laced with blood. i call you, shivering, and all you asked me was why i never apologized to you. i hang up, and i walk out. the sun’s glare was unforgiving as it looked me in the eye. what i hated most about staying up was how the sun shone after we danced in the moonlight, a stark reminder of responsibilities and realities dawning. we never wanted to face them, so we ran. we wanted midnight to stay as long as possible, but it always left too soon, in the midst of the gin and tonics we threw back and the marlboro menthols we dragged. but you always knew how to make me feel better. this time you were miles away, calling my phone and texting but i knew you weren’t really there. you haven’t been for awhile now. i can’t ever say this to you in person, because i know it will never ever be enough. and because we both love our prides more than each other - but for what it’s worth, i’m sorry. not for what happened tonight, but for me.
