all of a sudden, i was thirteen again, an awkward spectacled girl with too straight hair and a shy smile. i was back to the last week of grade 8, the part when classes were just a formality and we often spent it watching DVDs and playing stupid games. it was a tradition in our school that a field trip was arranged to the coolest, biggest water theme park in Shanghai every year, on the last day of school, a simple occasion that symbolized the end of a year and the beginning of summer.
i had heard so much about it throughout the year; remnants of memories from previous years, and countless "remember when's" before explosions of laughter. i wanted to be part of those memories, to create my own. when consent forms were given out that day, I remember my hands trembling in excitement.
things were easy then. because no matter if you wear a bikini so tiny they only cover the important bits, or if you really didn't look that good in a swimsuit at all; no one really cared, because at the end of the day we all were just a bunch of thirteen year olds. the biggest dilemma then was whether or not to wear a sexy swimsuit, and if we did, how to avoid the tan lines so our mothers wouldn't find out. tips on how to prevent a nipple slip were crucial, and because the water park was so big, we even devised routes to walk and which rides to take first so we'd 'coincidentally' bump into our crushes. i had the time of my life, that day.
see... if you had given me the same situation now, i'd have started exercising a month ahead, cut carbo completely from my diet, shave - everywhere, make sure i bought all waterproof makeup, and go out of my way to purchase a new swimsuit i know i'd look good in.
when i was thirteen, all I wanted to do was to grow up. but now, at eighteen... i often wish i was still a kid. i'm not sure when things started changing. is it when you wake up one day and decide to drink coffee in the morning, instead of milk? is it when you start feeling uncomfortable hugging your dad for a split second too long? when it's finally okay for you to stay up a little more past your bed time? i'm not sure what the tell tale signs of growing up are. we keep telling ourselves, "life's hard."
because, we are all, in fact, fragile little things. when we fuck up, there isn't anyone left to give us a time-out in the corner, then give us a hug and a sweet and everything is okay again. growing up meant losing the people you love, failing, and running away because you can't face yourself.
"what's the worst thing that could happen?" the answers to this question morph from molehills into mountains.
we tear ourselves apart because we no longer fit the bill, because there is now an ebbing feeling of not being good enough, one that comes and goes like the waves of an ocean, sometimes coming back stronger and more forceful than before. like a cancer that spreads; you try to counter it, but one day... Perhaps, without you even realizing, you find that it has consumed you completely.
but, sometimes I lie in bed and let my eyelids close and embrace the night, and I remember that things don't have to be this hard. Things could be easy. People make things hard for themselves, the moonlight whispers, a gentle reminder as she dances past my white laced curtains and into my room.
and suddenly, I am thirteen again.
i had heard so much about it throughout the year; remnants of memories from previous years, and countless "remember when's" before explosions of laughter. i wanted to be part of those memories, to create my own. when consent forms were given out that day, I remember my hands trembling in excitement.
things were easy then. because no matter if you wear a bikini so tiny they only cover the important bits, or if you really didn't look that good in a swimsuit at all; no one really cared, because at the end of the day we all were just a bunch of thirteen year olds. the biggest dilemma then was whether or not to wear a sexy swimsuit, and if we did, how to avoid the tan lines so our mothers wouldn't find out. tips on how to prevent a nipple slip were crucial, and because the water park was so big, we even devised routes to walk and which rides to take first so we'd 'coincidentally' bump into our crushes. i had the time of my life, that day.
see... if you had given me the same situation now, i'd have started exercising a month ahead, cut carbo completely from my diet, shave - everywhere, make sure i bought all waterproof makeup, and go out of my way to purchase a new swimsuit i know i'd look good in.
when i was thirteen, all I wanted to do was to grow up. but now, at eighteen... i often wish i was still a kid. i'm not sure when things started changing. is it when you wake up one day and decide to drink coffee in the morning, instead of milk? is it when you start feeling uncomfortable hugging your dad for a split second too long? when it's finally okay for you to stay up a little more past your bed time? i'm not sure what the tell tale signs of growing up are. we keep telling ourselves, "life's hard."
because, we are all, in fact, fragile little things. when we fuck up, there isn't anyone left to give us a time-out in the corner, then give us a hug and a sweet and everything is okay again. growing up meant losing the people you love, failing, and running away because you can't face yourself.
"what's the worst thing that could happen?" the answers to this question morph from molehills into mountains.
we tear ourselves apart because we no longer fit the bill, because there is now an ebbing feeling of not being good enough, one that comes and goes like the waves of an ocean, sometimes coming back stronger and more forceful than before. like a cancer that spreads; you try to counter it, but one day... Perhaps, without you even realizing, you find that it has consumed you completely.
but, sometimes I lie in bed and let my eyelids close and embrace the night, and I remember that things don't have to be this hard. Things could be easy. People make things hard for themselves, the moonlight whispers, a gentle reminder as she dances past my white laced curtains and into my room.
and suddenly, I am thirteen again.
